Marcia's Mirror: "I" am...

What Are My “I”s?

Alan Peskins (1988), in his enlightening article “In Search of Subjectivity—One’s Own,” eloquently categorized subjectivity in terms of how researchers truly see themselves. Many of the studies that are published today and a couple of decades ago seem to “ooze” with overgeneralization or oversimplification of a given problem/issue that is plaguing society.

Peskins (1998), in this article, forces the writer to first look at one’s own self before studying others. I totally agree with the idea that all researchers should acknowledge their position of subjectivity, but very few of them actually “identify” their personal experiences (as they relate to gender, class, etc.) and how these factors shape and impact/influence their mode of research. Educators and researchers have claimed that good research is void of personal bias, which is hard to do. Subjectivity quite often shapes an individual’s purpose for doing a study. If researchers are informed about the quantities that have emerged during their research, they can at least disclose where self and subject become joined (p. 17).

Whether we like it or not, our “subjectivity is a garment” (Peskins, 1988). In addition, some individuals in the world of higher education (research) cannot “mask” their true colors. Like this author, I too have discovered my own subjectivity. And even though I have always known it was there, as an African-American woman, I tried to mask or guard my personal feelings in the name of political correctness. Now, I realize that in order to engage in research that is honest, valid, and purposeful, my mask has to come off (somewhat)—“who” I am and “what” I have experienced have shaped me and will be present in any study I am a part of.
With the categories that

Peskins (1988) provided, I mostly identify myself in terms of the “Ethnic Maintenance I.” My ethnicity and gender are at the core of my being. I embrace the “Ethnic Maintenance I” to survive and ultimately relate to my students. Ninety percent of my students are at-risk poor black individuals from broken families (usually with only one parent) with the world marginalizing their existence. I come from the same community and ethnic background as these youngsters. This “I” manifests itself in the way I teach. For example, February is Black history month and many of my colleagues (other teachers) focus on several “safe” (nonthreatening) African Americans to discuss and they will sometimes ask me to “lend” them a few Blacks because beside Dr. King and Rosa Parks, they are at a loss. I don’t pay too much attention to Black history month because I feel that Black history is American history, period!!! Afro-Americans contribute a lot and we should not be isolated to the celebration of one month.

In my teaching, the pride of the “Ethnic I” shows loud and clear: Black history is just American history, and throughout the school year I introduce individuals who have shaped or changed the culture we live in. Peskins (1988) stated that, “being Jewish shapes” his life, well, being a black woman definitely shaped mine. And like this researcher, I get “a warm feeling” from a solid identification of who I am. I make it my business to learn about the good and bad parts of the past that shape the Black community. The way I teach, live, worship, and dress shapes my “Ethnic I.” According to Peskins (1988), the “Ethnic I” can be a hazard to one’s state of being—it is all consuming. “… In valuing the behavior of those who chose to perpetuate their ethnic identify, I may ignore the lives of those who chose not to” (p. 18). Maybe I am paying too much attention to my ethnic identity.

In addition to an ongoing focus on ethnic identity, the other “I” that shapes my character is the “Justice-Seeking I.” I fear that this gets me into a lot of trouble. Justice-Seekers are natural-born troublemakers due to the fact that they cannot keep their mouths shut and “play the game.” As an African-American female teacher, it pains me to see others give less than 100 percent to minority students. Some teachers feel that they can get away with it because who is going to know or tell. I have confronted others about lackluster classroom instruction and negative attitudes and at times I have suffered for it. I have also felt like I was a student’s last line of defense. In the words of Cheater (1987), “We cannot rid ourselves of this subjectivity, nor should we wish to; but we ought, perhaps, to pay it very much more attention …” (p. 172).

At this moment I do not identify with the other “I”s; I hope to continue to discover aspects of myself during this course.